University of Colorado AD Mike Bohn announced plans yesterday to make Folsom Field into the first zero-waste football stadium in the country.
"Our football coach talks about returning the national championship to Boulder," Bohn said on the first day of practice. "We want to be more than good. We want to be innovative. We want to set the standard for what is intercollegiate athletics at the highest level."
Stupid football coach. He wants CU to try to win national championships again? But what about the bigger issues Dan Hawkins??!?! Stop trying to do the job you were hired to do and get on board the CU Green Train!!
CU plans to recycle or compost all of the average 10 tons of garbage created at each football game. They also plan to purchase carbon offset from the Colorado Carbon Fund in order to offset the energy used by the stadium, and by the team during air travel. I'm sure all of the boosters and donors who sent money to the athletic program envisioned their money being put to this exact use when donating.
After tackling this issue, word is that Bohn will be taking on our world's biggest threat.... Manbearpig.
But the zero-waste effort at Folsom doesn't stop with a simple recycling plan.
And in a move that may draw "only in Boulder" eyeball rolling in some corners of the Big 12, Bohn announced a valet parking for bicycles with a bicycle corral at the stadium. It will be manned by volunteer students, as will the composting and recycling bins inside the stadium.
Sweet. A valet bicycle parking area. That is just awesome. You know, bullshit like this is the exact reason why we will never be a dominant football program again. I wonder if you'll get extra green points if you "bikepool" up from Denver like these dudes:
I don't know why CU has stopped with just these changes, here are a few others I've come up with that could help make the games even greener:
- The CU band will be replaced by a large hippie drum circle. Following every CU touchdown the hippies will just jam for as long as they are feelin' it. The games will last about 27 times longer than a normal game, but just imagine how mellow everyone will be while they're groovin' to some bongos bro...
- All hot dogs and other meat products will be replaced with Tofu.
- The only drinks served at games will be water you bring yourself from Boulder Creek, and homemade green tea.
- Every single halftime show will be a screening of Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" on the Jumbotron.
- Every fan caught driving to the game in an SUV will be brought onto the field between the 3rd and 4th quarters to be loudly booed by the crowd, and sprayed with water hoses shaped like gas-pump nozzles by local hippies.
Sometimes it's hard being a CU alum.... Where is Eric Cartman when you really need him?
In a related story, SEC schools have said that they will no longer dump the vats of chew spit collected at their games into local swimmin' holes. They will now dump then in southward flowing rivers in order to "send that shit to Mexico".