Friday, October 12, 2007

Please excuse my ESPN rant....

I know it's popular in the blogiverse to rip ESPN. Lord knows I've taken my shots at them in the past. But when it comes down to it, we all watch ESPN constantly. We watch ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN Classic, ESPNU, ESPN News, the Ocho... we watch SportsCenter, First and 10, World Series of Poker.... probably everything they air with the exception of bowling (I love leaving NFL Gameday on for about 5 minutes too long on Sunday's and suddenly realizing that bowling is on my TV instead of football). They are pretty much like the big brother we love to say we hate but secretly envy.

Now, with all that said I would like to now rant on the absolutely atrocious bullshit ESPN is airing at the moment. Fuck you ESPN! It's like you know we won't watch anything else so you are trying to see what you can get away with. Here are some examples from the last few days:

- Stuart Scott did a "poetry jam" the other day that made me want to vomit all over his lazy eye. Why would anyone at ESPN think that this would possibly entertain us? How many viewers do you think you have that hang out at Coffee shops on Saturday nights listening to "the spoken word", drinking lattes and snapping their fingers in appreciation?? None, that's how many. If you ever pull that shit again I will cutoff my viewership of ESPN Classic! Actually I probably won't because they show a lot of old CU games.... but I will be mighty peeved.

- The last couple of days 1st and 10 has featured "debates" between Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith on various topics. Well, it's not so much debates as two people shouting incoherent nonsense at each other. Actually, the more I think about it the more entertaining it is. It's kind of like watching an argument between Al Pacino's character on Scent of a Woman and Brick Tamland from Anchorman.

Jay Crawford: "OK. Our first question of the day is this: Who would you rather have on your team? Randy Moss or T.O.?"

Al Pacino from Scent of a Woman: "What? Are you givin' me an ultimatum?"

Jay Crawford: "No... uh. It's just a question."

Al Pacino from Scent of a Woman: "I GIVE THE ULTIMATUMS!!"

Brick Tamland from Anchorman: "I don't know what we're YELLING ABOUT!!"

Al Pacino from Scent of a Woman: "This is such a croc of SHIT!"

Brick Tamland from Anchorman: "I love lamp!!"

Al Pacino from Scent of a Woman: "What is he talking about? I'M IN THE DARK HERE!"

Brick Tamland from Anchorman: "LOUD NOISES!"

Al Pacino from Scent of a Woman: "WHOO-AH!!"

Jay Crawford: "All right guys, calm down. You haven't even addressed the question yet."

Al Pacino from Scent of a Woman: "You sharpshootin' me, punk? Is that what you're doin'? Don't you sharpshoot me! You'll give me forty. Then you're gonna give me forty more. Then you're gonna pull K.P., the grease pit! I'll rub your NOSE in enlisted men's CRUD till you don't know WHICH END IS UP! YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Jay Crawford: "I think that was a little out of order Al Pacino from Scent of a Woman..."

Al Pacino from Scent of a Woman: "Out of order, I show you out of order. You don't know what out of order is, Mr. Trask. I'd show you, but I'm too old, I'm too tired, I'm too fuckin' blind. If I were the man I was five years ago, I'd take a FLAMETHROWER to this place!"

Brick Tamland from Anchorman: "LOUD NOISES!"

Al Pacino from Scent of a Woman: "WHOO-AH!!"

I'll let you decide which one is Stephen A. and which one is Skip... but it's not really too different from the actual arguments on the show.

- How many ways can you jam the Cowboys vs. Patriots game down our throats? Jesus f-ing jellybeans! Here's what I've memorized in the past week as it has been raped into my mind by ESPN:

- Tony Romo is 11-4 in his first 15 starts. Tom Brady was 12-3.
- Joe Montana, Dan Marino, John Elway, and Peyton Manning all lost their first
games against a Bill Belichik defense. So apparently Tony Romo is on the
level of these four Hall of Famers already.
- T.O. left a note on his locker for the media.
- Randy Moss and T.O. are both very good. But they have also had troubled
- I hate Tony Romo's stupid smirk even more than I thought I did.
- Bill Parcell's has apparently gone retarded. His 8 Tips For Being a
Successful NFL QB included this gem; "Don't turn the ball over."
There is plenty more, but I'm sure your all just as sick of hearing it all as I am.

OK. I'm done. That's the end of my ESPN rant. I'm glad I got that off my chest. Now I've got to go watch some PTI.

Oh, one last thing. This isn't really a shot at ESPN so much as Comcast...

Tonight ESPNU will show the Cherry Creek HS vs. Grandview HS game live. This means that the nation will get it's first chance to see the offspring of the game's greatest ever player, in Cherry Creek QB Jack Elway. That's pretty cool actually. Way to go ESPN! One problem though. I have Comcast and apparently they don't offer ESPNU in this region. This means that the entire nation can watch a HS Football game between two Denver area high schools, except for those of us in the Denver area.

I hate you too Comcast!