Tuesday, November 13, 2007

A Denver Nuggets Quiz

Here we are, nearly 1/10th into the NBA season, and like all of the big websites (ESPN, CBSSportsline, NBA.com, etc) I think it's time for us to do an NBA season recap. Granted, we're only 8 games into the season for the Nuggets (which is the equivalent of 1 game and 1 half of a game for the Broncos during a season, or 16 games of a Rockies season) but it's time to review how this season has transpired to this point for our beloved squad.

In order to test your knowledge of this year's Nuggets contingent, I've also developed an exclusive "Denver Nuggets 1/10th Season Review Quiz". Your results will determine your true level of Nuggets fandom.

But first.....

Are the Denver Nuggets cursed?

I have a theory. In 2003, Kiki Vandeweghe sold the Nuggets future to the Devil in order to draft Carmelo Anthony.

Hear me out.

The Nuggs were in an epic "tank-off" at the end of the 02/03 season to get the first pick in the "Lebron Sweepstakes". We ended up winning (losing?) that honor to have the most ping pong balls in the draft.... only to end up with the 3rd pick. This meant not only no Lebron, but no Carmelo as well.

But then suddenly, one day, out of the blue, Joe Dumars decides that the Detroit Pistons are going to draft Darko Milicic. Somehow, the smartest GM in basketball at the time decides to partake in one of the worst draft blunders of all-time. And then our Nuggets were gift-wrapped Carmelo Anthony.

How could this happen?

We sold our future to Al Pacino that's how.

So now every season after, we are going to be teased with a great team on paper to start the season.... only to be torn apart by injuries every single season. 8 games into this year we have already lost our starting PG Chucky Atkins for 8 weeks, our starting PF Nene for 8 weeks, and our backup PG Anthony Carter for 3 more weeks. The curse strikes again.

You know what though... I'll take it. Because the temptation of competing for a championship is better than what I grew up with as a Nuggets fan. Several 15-win seasons with the occasional .500 record mixed in every 7 years.

With all that said, I still think this Nuggets team is in a great position to compete for a championship. We'll be healthy again before the all-star break, and we should still end up in the 55-win ballpark. Carmelo and AI seem to co-exist nicely this year, K-Mart looks explosive, Camby is still a defensive force, and JR Smith is showing signs of becoming a serious threat again.

Maybe this year we can break the curse. At least maybe we can break it long enough to win a playoff series or two....

So now, without further ado, here is my Denver Nuggets 1/10th Season Quiz:

1.) Is the amount of money that the Denver Nuggets have spent on tattoos, as a team, more or less than the Gross Domestic Product of Liberia?

Answer) GDP of Liberia > $$ on Nuggets tattoos.

The GDP of Liberia is $622 million, and the Nuggets players have only spent $118 million on tattoos. Which is less than the GDP of Tonga, but slightly more than São Tomé.

This is, of course, a slight exaggeration on the amount of money consumed on tats by the Nuggets. However, the first email I received after the Nuggets opening night W over Seattle was something along the lines of this: "Good Lord! How many Africans could eat for a year off the money the Nuggets have spent on tattoos?"

The answer? All of them... every single one.

At least none of them have this tattoo

2.) Which Bobby Jones is the all-time leading scorer in Denver Nuggets history named "Bobby Jones"?

Answer) Bobby Jones.

Hopefully you know that I mean the Bobby Jones that has scored 2,326 points for the Nuggets and not the one who has scored only 34 points. The Bobby Jones who is 6'9" not the one who is 6'7".... You're going to make me say it aren't you? OK, the Bobby Jones that has dark brown hair, not the Bobby Jones with black hair.

I hate discriminating people by the color of their hair.

3.) Which of the following Denver Nugget players have a food item named after them?

- Von Wafer
- Nene
- Yakhouba Diawara
- Carmelo Anthony

Answer) Carmelo Anthony.

Carmelo has a candy bar named after him called The Melo. Diawara is a French word for a particular bodily function, Nene is Portuguese for "baby who is always injured", and The Von Wafer is still in production. It is a cracker very similar to the vanilla wafer, only with a mango flavor and a hint of paprika.

The Melo Bar is arich chocolate bar immersed with a creamy smooth caramel center, which makes it like a Twix bar, only without the cookie center and delicious taste.

4.) What is the nationality of Nuggets Strength and Conditioning Coach Steve Hess?

Answer) Unknown.

I know that he has an accent, but I have no idea where it comes from. Could be South African.... could be from the Eastern Bloc somewhere.... could be New Zealand. I just don't know. Here's what I do know, he looks like a combination between George Hamilton, that loser hippy with dreads I knew in Boulder, and the other Jay Cutler, with some Predator and pit-bull thrown in. Oh, and he is also one of the greatest strength and conditioning gurus alive. But if I were to describe him to someone, I'd say he is a "short, ripped, self tanned white dude with dreadlocks and a foreign accent."

Who knows, maybe he'll be Colorado's governor someday.....

5.) Who would win in a fight? An angry Kenyon Martin, or a full grown Kodiak bear with rabies?

Answer) It's a trick question, both would die.

K-Mart would snap the Kodiak's neck with his bare hands, but he would take a small bite from the bear. Due to the rabies, and K-Mart's strict belief that medicine is for pussies, and that he can defeat all germs and sicknesses with his scowl, K-Mart would later die from the wound.

I have had several debates with friends over this same topic for the past 5 years.... "Who is the last NBA player you would want to run into in a dark alley, by yourself?" The answer always comes down to Ben Wallace and Kenyon Martin.... with K-Mart eventually getting the nod because of the crazy factor. Due to years of arguing in the pro in this case, I now feel that K-Mart could defeat any foe with his bare hands, human or fierce predator.

6.) Who's a better shooter? Yakhouba Diawara, or Harry Dunne from Dumb and Dumber?

Answer) Yakhouba.

While Yakhouba is an awful shooter for an NBA 2 guard, he still is nowhere near the level of ineptitude of Harry (Khoub has actually hit 8-16 on threes this season). Further evidence is in the statement of Harry's best friend Lloyd Christmas, who said "Harry! You're alive!..... And you're a horrible shot."

If you answered all of these questions correctly than congratulations! You are a true Nuggets fan. If you missed any than you are non Nugget loving a-holes, and it's time to start paying attention you slackers... the season is almost 1/10th over!

That's the equivalent of nearly two NFL games. And anyone who follows the Broncos knows that the entire season can be accurately predicted after the first two games.

I mean, we were 2-0 after two games and now we are.....

Wait a second!