Monday, October 29, 2007

Monday Night Mancrush

Tony Kornheiser is going to have lockjaw in the morning.

After spending the last four hours verbally and mentally fellating Brett Favre, ESPN got what they wanted and I felt like vomitting all over my flat screen. What they got was the dramatic overtime touchdown pass by Brett Favre to win the game and hours of mancrush material for Tony Kornheiser and the rest of the staff at ESPN. Seriously, I know that Brett Favre is good. Everyone knows Brett Favre is good. But how many highlights do I have to see? For Christ sake, how many times do I have to listen to his wife during a game? I'm not sure that the rest of us have heard our own wives / girlfriends speak that much during a single half of football.

And how many times can the phrase "gunslinger" be used during a single broadcast? Answer: 637. I get it Tony. I really do. He tries to make crazy throws. But how about we just watch him play instead of taking turns attempting to make sweet love to his legend during a broadcast. (I think my favorite part of the broadcast was when Ron Jaworski was mentioning Jay Cutler's arm-strength yet again, and Tony Kornheiser accused him of having a mancrush on Cutler. Shortly after that, Kornheiser began to explain how good Brett Favre looks with his shirt off, and how he can solve global warming with one of his rocket, gunslinger passes!)



And after the miracle of manhood that is Brett Favre unleashed hell upon us, all of us in Denver had to suffer through yet another Broncos home loss. What has happened to this franchise? We've now lost six out of the last nine home games played at Invesco Field (they need to drop the Mile High from the name quickly, the old Mile High Stadium is losing it's legend by the week). Remember the good old days at the old Mile High Stadium? When the rafters would shake so loud that you were virtually certain that the entire stadium would collapse? When a 6-2 home record was a terrible season? Now look at us. 4-4 at home last season, and 2-3 so far this season. And I have no clue why it's happening.

First the positives. Jay Cutler showed the ability once again to make a drive when we need it. For the 4th time this season, he has led us down the field to a game tying or winning drive in the final seconds. Brandon Marshall finally showed up on the last drive too, showing his amazing ability to make something happen after the catch. Consequently, the game ended at roughly 10pm MST, which means that Marshall will be legally drunk by 12:30, and get his DUI by 2:00am. Actually, maybe he only rolls like that on Sunday nights. I know I do.

Another positive is Jason Elam. I feel pretty confident that he's proven his ability to kick a last second field goal at this point. Selvin Young also looked good in his first start. It's funny, at the beginning of this season I had a bet with my step-dad that Selvin Young would be our starting RB by mid-season. I thought it was going to be the result of Mike Shannahan simply attempting to show that he can literally turn anyone into a thousand yard back, but it turns out it's going to be because Travis Henry can't but down the ganj. Either way, I won the bet.

Now for the negatives. First off, we have the worst run defense I have ever seen in my roughly 30 years on this planet. Granted, I don't remember too many details about the Broncos defensive prowess before the age of say... 6 years old, but I'm pretty sure that they weren't this bad. Tonight we let a fella by the name of Ryan Grant run for 100 yards against us. You all know Ryan Grant right? He's the 4th string running back on the worst rushing offense in the NFL. No? Still don't remember him? He graduated from Notre Dame in 2004? Still not ringing a bell? Well, he's that dude that just ran for 100 yards against us and, according to the interweb, he has fallen off the planet for the last three years. There is literally no information regarding his whereabouts from graduation in 2004 to a preseason trade from the NY Giants to the Packers at the start of this season. Seriously, check out his Wikipedia page. But that's the beauty of Mike Shannahan's Broncos, we can turn ANYBODY into a 1,000 yard rusher!

Second negative. Our lock-down corners got absolutely torched. Maybe that's what makes Brett Favre great. He has that gunslinger mentality and will throw at anyone. At least that's what I heard Kornheiser say several dozen times tonight. Well, he beat Champ for a 79 yard TD to a rookie receiver, and beat Dre Bly for an 82 yard TD to a second year receiver. So maybe there is some truth to that theory. But whatever it was they got lit up like a Christmas tree. Favre threw for 331 yards against us, and 248 of them went to the two guys being locked down by Champ and Dre. Really the only positive of the game on defense was our goal line D. Stopping them twice on the 1 yard line to let former Buff great Mason Crosby get some burn in front of the hometown fans and kick a couple field goals.



And what the hell is going on with our red zone offense? How many years has this been a problem for us now? To start the second quarter on the Packers 1 yard line, our own offensive lineman strips the ball from Cutler? It's like watching a bunch of retards try to dribble a basketball when we get inside the twenty. And in the third quarter we have a first and 10 at the Packers 16 and a couple of penalties and a sack later, Elam is trying to kick one in from almost 50 yards.

The schedule doesn't get any easier for the Broncos either. We go to the Lions next week, then to Kansas City, back home to play Tennessee, on the road against Oakland and then back home for the Chiefs again. Sure some of those should be winnable games, but the Broncos don't exactly inspire confidence right now.

But tonight all comes back to the Brett Favre love-fest. Whether it was the highlights from decades old MNF games, the repeated listing of all of his records (with his interceptions record noticeably absent), the 2+ hours of airtime devoted to his wife (she claims that when he gets hit, it hurts her more than him. Sure it does Deanna. That's why he was addicted to painkillers, because of how badly all of those brutal hits hurt YOU. I usually wouldn't talk about a player's family, but she did put herself on TV for a couple of hours), tonight was all about one thing. Brett Favre. And Tony Kornheiser's unnatural mancrush on him.

This begs the question, if Brett Favre, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning,Tony Romo and Bill Bellichek were all in the same room, who would Tony Kornheiser blow first?

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

All of the above?

Bobby O'Shea said...

Waaahh.. This is what happens when a future Hall of Famer throws two touchdown passes of over 75 yards against the "top corner tandem in the NFL." If you fucking hate hearing about #4 so much, then stop him. Isn't that the excuse the Patriots are using these days?!?

Anonymous said...

Agreed. Even as a Packer fan I get sick of all the favre-blowing that goes on when he is on national tv. It's a bit ridiculous when the whole telecast is favre, the promos are about favre, we get to see goddam favre prom pictures, and even the commercials during the game had favre trying to sell me wrangler jeans. I love favre but can see how fans get really sick of hearing 4 hours of madden or kornheiser talking about how good favre is.

bankmeister said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
bankmeister said...

Nice write-up, and props on the Deadspin linkage. Only problem: "consiquently." For reals, bro? Yikes. Go Chiefs!

Commish CH said...

they should of just called last night Brett Favre presents his Packers versus the Denver Broncos.
Oh, and Deanna Favre is pretty smoking. Vince Vaughn looks like he's been on a month long coke binge.

JT said...

Thanks for the heads up on that Bankmeister. Too many cocktails during the game last night.

JT said...

Agreed on both counts Commish. Deanna is hot, I just don't want to listen to her talk during the entire 2nd quarter.

Vince Vaughn was a total letdown.

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