Sunday, May 6, 2007

A little non-Colorado post

I know this has nothing to do with anything Colorado, but I've gotta say that the Spurs vs. Suns game was one of the most hysterical things I have seen in sports in a while. There was so much going on during this game. It may have something to do with the fact that my hatred for the Spurs has reached a point where I find them almost comical. But here are a few of the things that we're killing me during today's game:

1- Mike D'Antoni-

This guy is amazing. He is taking the Mike Shanahan rat face to a whole new level, with a mustache. I loved his reaction after Amare got his 3rd foul on an iffy call when he and Duncan got tangled up right before halftime. He was so instantly furious that he tried to shove his hands into the pockets of his slacks for some reason. I watched it like five times in a row. It was the most bizarre display of anger I've ever witnessed. He only kept them in his pockets for about 1.3 seconds too. Then he flailed and crossed his arms, then started cursing like a Sam Kinnison stand-up act. I bet the refs sat down in the locker room at halftime and said to each other "I know that call on Amare was bullshit.... but it was totally worth it!" Then they all laughed and started text-ing the Devil and molesting kittens... or whatever it is that refs normally do at halftime.

2- The Nash / Parker headbutt-

I didn't enjoy this so much for the random violence, or that it helped validate my theory that the headbutt is a totally underutilized initial attack move in bar fights. I really loved it because it completely lived up to the stereotypes of both players involved. Let me explain. Tony Parker is French, and as a Frenchman is a complete pussy. So how did he react to the headbutt? Naturally, he immediately dropped into the fetal position and virtually played dead for a few minutes. On the other side, Steve Nash is a Canadian. And all Canadians are tough hockey players but are also exceedingly nice people. Seriously, go to Canada sometime. They are almost disturbingly nice. Sow how did Nash react? He took the headbutt like a champ. Seriously, Parker may as well have taken his lacy, white, french glove off and slapped Nash in the face with it. Nash didn't grimace, wince, take a step back or anything. And then, being a nice Canadian lad, he went to see if Parker was OK, not worried about the 2 inch gash on the bridge of his nose.

Sometimes stereotypes really are true.

3. The Suns trainer trying to stop the bleeding-

Has there ever been a more inept trainer in history? What the hell was that guy doing? He looked like a retard trying to play tennis or something. Here's a little look at some of his strategies to stop the bleeding:
1.) Butterfly band-aid. Didn't work. shit.
2.) Bigger band-aid over the butterfly band-aid. Still bleeding.
3.) Wipe blood off with towel. Put new band-aid on. Dammit!
4.) Put rubber cement on cut. Apply band-aid. Why won't it stop!?!
5.) Put one band-aid on cut. Put another band-aid on top of that band-
aid. Put yet another band-aid on top of that band-aid. FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD! WHY WONT YOU STOP BLEEDING!!!

I swear I thought he was going to try to staple the cut closed, or throw some of that stuff that the janitors in elementary schools throw on top of vomit to try to stop the bleeding. I wouldn't be real confident about my employment if I was the Suns trainer right now.

4.) The classic Spur flop by Parker to get the intentional foul in the last minute.

The Spurs have taken flopping to a whole new level in American sport. It has to be a result of having so many Euros and South Americans on the team. Ginobli, Parker, Duncan, Oberto, Bowen.... all of them are true artists in the genre of the flop. I'm sure any Italian soccer players watching the game stood and applauded when they saw Parker's masterpiece. I think the NBA needs a new rule. We'll call it the "Flop T". Anytime a player is caught blatantly flopping it is a technical foul. Or maybe they could treat it like intentional fouls. You can get a Level 1, or Level 2 Flop T, depending on the sheer lameness of the attempt. Teams will get one shot and the ball, and 5 or more offenses in a season result in a suspension. Let's get Der Fuhrer Stern on the horn and make this happen.

Anyways, I thoroughly enjoyed the game even though the Spurs ended up winning. Like I said earlier, I'd love for the Suns or Warriors to win this whole thing, because it would be good for basketball. But unfortunately the Finals will be between the Spurs and Pistons, and every game will be in the 75-85 point range, and it will be completely boring, and NBA execs will try to copy both of those teams, and the NBA will never be fun again.

I'll be back with something Nuggets related tomorrow to wrap up the season. And then it's time to start looking forward to football. Unless your like Brainz and you're one of the dozens of Rockies fans left in the state. I kid, I love the Rockies. I love them like an abused wife still loves her husband. They really are good deep down. They don't mean it when they hurt me like that.... They'll change one day...... Won't they??

50 comments:

Commish CH said...

Spurs-Pistons will provide some joy to us CO fans, watching CO's finest in Chauncey. Just think, the Nuggets got the masterful play of Tariq Abdul-Wahad when they traded Chauncey!

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Good thing the Nugs fired D'Antoni after one season. Guy cant coach a lick

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